And like some of us do with birthdays, we reflect on the year we just "survived." I sat on the porch today and did a mental inventory of things I'm thankful for--my parents, husband, and pups, of course. My awesome new job at a new school. The lovely view from my front porch and the quiet of the neighborhood. And I also looked back on some failures and I realized that my only real failures are my friendships. I broke off a friendship in November with a friend I had had for years. It was time. She drained me of my positive energy whenever she was around. But I miss the things we used to do together and the cool things I would have never done had it not been for her. The most recent failure is with my best friend. She means the world to me. I love her so much that I think it may be too much. She has noticeably drifted away from me and I don't feel as important as I used to feel. Sure she lives 4 states away and her life is tough being so far away from her family, but I wonder if I expect too much. A phone call once a month, a birthday card, a visit longer than an hour and a half when she's home for a week.
And naturally, I assume I'm the problem. I'm not usually needy and insecure. Why can't I maintain a best friend? Are my standards too high? Am I too difficult? Am I the annoying one? Am I too vocal and stubborn? So, I'm now alone. Not a big deal--I was alone when she dubbed me her best friend. So, I maintain my solitary existence in friendville. But, I don't like it. And I have a tough time making friends because I don't like to put myself out there. Catch 22, indeed.
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