Sunday, May 18, 2014

Birthdays and Reflections

I turned 42 on Friday...  Here's a couple of the awesome gifts I got from mom!  Can't wait to knit these both up into awesome socks!!  ( Thanks mom!!! )


And like some of us do with birthdays, we reflect on the year we just "survived." I sat on the porch today and did a mental inventory of things I'm thankful for--my parents, husband, and pups, of course.  My awesome new job at a new school. The lovely view from my front porch and the quiet of the neighborhood.  And I also looked back on some failures and I realized that my only real failures are my friendships.  I broke off a friendship in November with a friend I had had for years.  It was time.  She drained me of my positive energy whenever she was around.  But I miss the things we used to do together and the cool things I would have never done had it not been for her.  The most recent failure is with my best friend.  She means the world to me. I love her so much that I think it may be too much.  She has noticeably drifted away from me and I don't feel as important as I used to feel.  Sure she lives 4 states away and her life is tough being so far away from her family, but I wonder if I expect too much.  A phone call once a month, a birthday card, a visit longer than an hour and a half when she's home for a week.  

And naturally, I assume I'm the problem.  I'm not usually needy and insecure.  Why can't I maintain a best friend?  Are my standards too high?  Am I too difficult?  Am I the annoying one?  Am I too vocal and stubborn?  So, I'm now alone.  Not a big deal--I was alone when she dubbed me her best friend.  So, I maintain my solitary existence in friendville.  But, I don't like it.  And I have a tough time making friends because I don't like to put myself out there.  Catch 22, indeed.

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